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Have Fun and Friendship in Your Marriage

Being a Friend to your Spouse

When asked what they want in their marriage, both men and women commonly say they want to be friends with their spouse. Unfortunately, far too many people feel isolated, alone and disconnected in their marriage.

In a recent publication, Dr. Paul Amato notes that American families are experiencing an increase in “good enough” marriages, which are relationships where the couples stay together, but the husband and wife live very separate lives. Sadly these couples miss out on the fulfilling side of a healthy marriage and choose to resign to being “alone together.” Amato, Paul R., Alan Booth, David Johnson, and Stacy Rogers. 2007. Alone Together: How Marriage in America is Changing. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Friendship is the feeling of deep intimacy and connection with a spouse. It is about being able to share what’s in your heart, without fear of judgment. Making it safe for your spouse to connect and share his or her feelings deepens intimacy. Friendship in marriage means being able to hear your partner’s heart in whatever ways he or she shares it.

Whether you are outspoken or quiet, learn to listen for what’s in your partner’s heart, and be open to sharing what’s in yours. Friends talk about sports, spiritual matters, politics and fun things they’ve done or plan to do. What do you talk about with your spouse?

If you are not careful, most of your daily conversations will be quickly filled with only problems and concerns, such as problems with the kids, the truck that needs a new transmission, projects around the house and money concerns.

So what is there to do?

It is easy to forget about your friendship in the midst of the daily grind of car payments, children’s activities, school, work, paying the utilities, cleaning the house, mowing the yard and changing diapers. Just as a garden needs tending, care and nurturing, so does your friendship.

If you are really serious about making friendship a priority, you will need to PLAN time together as friends. Remember that friends are not people with whom you argue constantly because you don’t have to solve problems or work out issues together. So protect your friendship time from conflict.

During “friend time” agree not to talk about the business side of your marriage for just a while. Protected “friend time” can be for an entire evening on date night or for the 30 minutes you walk the dog each evening.

Listen like a friend. Good friends listen with very little defensiveness. Relax when you are on “friend time.” Don’t try to change each other. Instead, just enjoy being together. So this spring, do your part to plant the seeds of intimacy. Nourish your intimacy with time and attention. Then friendship is sure to bloom.

Marriage in the Military

The Thriving Marriages retreat for National Guard Couples Experiencing Deployment was four days before the largest deployment in Oklahoma’s history. The Oklahoma National Guard and Reserve deployed 3,400 soldiers to Afghanistan on Feb. 16.

The Thriving Marriages retreat helped prepare 39 National Guard families for their deployment by focusing on communication, trust and sensuality at a distance. The couples were able to spend a memorable weekend together and prepare a plan to stay connected during a long distance relationship. We commend the soldiers who serve our country and their families at home for their commitment.

Follow the links below for additional resources and materials for Military Couples used during the retreat.

• Marriage in the Military Fact Sheet
• Sensuality at a Distance
• If you could hear what I haven’t always been able to say worksheet

Upcoming Thriving Marriages Events

• Couples in Stepfamilies Focus Group, Oklahoma City — May 3
• Couples Impacted by Alcohol & Substance Abuse Retreat, Guthrie — May 21-21
• Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Focus Group, Oklahoma City — June 7
• Adoptive Couples Reunion, Guthrie — June 18
• Foster Couples Retreat, Guthrie — June 18-19
• Foster Couples Focus Group, Oklahoma City — June 28
• First Responders Focus Group, Stillwater — July 12
• Adoptive Couples Reunion, Tulsa — July 29-30
• Adoptive Couples Retreat, Tulsa — July 30-31

Upcoming Oklahoma Marriage Initiative Events

• Forever.For Real, Oklahoma City — April 16
• Heart & Soul, Tulsa — April 16
• PREP Curriculum Training, Oklahoma City — April 27-29
• Forever.For Real Engaged Couples, Oklahoma City & Tulsa — May 7

Tips & Resources for Your Relationship

Visit TwoOfUs.org for free articles, videos and other resources about making relationships work. Or follow TwoOfUs on Facebook or Twitter! TwoOfUs.org is a project of the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center.

How the retreat inspired us…

If you have a story you would be willing to share with us about how your life has or relationship has changed since attending the Thriving Marriages Retreat, please call Nancy at 405-418-3848 or toll free at 877-435-8033 or email a minimum of 250 words to kayce.coffman@publicstrategies.com. We love hearing from you and would like to share your stories to help motivate other couples.