August 2011 - Thriving Newsletter
Thriving Marriages
Time Out: How to prevent the breakdown in communication with your spouse
By Bob Davis
“Time Out” is a preventive tool for people who are experiencing symptoms of poor communication. Dr. Scott Stanley, one of the developers of the Prevention and Relationship Education Program (PREP®) once said if he could teach only one skill to couples to help them avoid poor communication, he would teach them how to use “Time Out.”
Taking a “Time Out” involves four steps: Notice, Call, Calm and Return.
The first step is to notice that either you or your spouse is beginning to exhibit one or more of the four communication danger signs (escalation, withdrawal, negative interpretation or invalidation).
Either person can call a time out by saying, “I need to take a time out” or by using a sign that has been previously agreed on. Many couples create their own code word for a “Time Out.” The code word is a personal way of calling a “Time Out” without anyone else realizing it, which nurtures team work and an intimate connection between the couple. Using a private, agreed-upon code word helps the couple to add ownership to the tool.
Once the time out has been called, leave the room and engage in activities that will help calm you, allow you to gain some perspective and eliminate your initial emotional reaction. Remember, it takes the mind 30 minutes to calm down after being mad or upset. When you are composed and feel you can address the issue, return to the conversation using the Speaker-Listener Technique.
Like any new skill, “Time Out” requires practice. Don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t work flawlessly the first, second or third time. Keep trying! You will soon see the value of this communication tool.
Another Place at the Table
An insightful look into the lives of a foster and adoptive family and their rollercoaster life
Kathy Harrison's memoir of her life as a foster and adoptive parent is insightful, funny, heart wrenching and completely honest. Harrison is open about her own failures and weaknesses, the difficulty in fostering troubled children and the many challenges of the foster care system. This story is an insightful look into the lives of a family willing to take in the children considered “hard to place” and reveals each child to be more than their previous labels. Harrison’s story is not unlike many foster families. If anything, it validates to the reader an honest depiction of one mother’s own fear, love, frustration and triumph.
How the retreat inspired us… if you have a story you would be willing to share with us about how your life has or relationship has changed since attending the Thriving Marriages Retreat please call Nancy 405-418-3848 or toll free 877-435-8033 or email a minimum of 250 words to kali.bowles@publicstrategies.com. We love hearing from you and would like to share your stories to help motivate other couples.
Check out the Thriving Marriages Facebook page for retreat pictures, news and posts!
Upcoming Thriving Marriage Event Calendar:
August 27-28, 2011 Adoptive Couples Mini-Retreat
September 9-10, 2011 Adoptive Couples Mini-Retreat
Resources
Independent Living Services
Greetings from the Editor
Hello Thriving Marriage Retreat Alumni!
In each newsletter we like to highlight new resources and information to help keep your marriage strong.
In honor of the more than 114 couples who registered for the Foster Couples Thriving Marriage Retreat in June and the 57 couples who registered for the Adoptive Couples Retreat in July, we would like to use this opportunity to providing safe and loving homes for Oklahoma’s children. You are doing an excellent job everyday to strengthen families and improve overall well-being for the children in Oklahoma.
As a foster or adoptive couple, you face many challenges and extenuating circumstances in your everyday lives. In this edition of the Thriving Marriage Newsletter, we have provided a concept review of the “Time Out” tool. Of all the PREP skills and tools you gained during the retreat, you said that Time Out was the one you would most likely incorporate into your relationship. We want you to take the time to communicate with one another and continue to grow your relationship to keep it strong. We have also provided a book review for Another Place at the Table, a touching memoir written by foster and adoptive parents Kathy and Bruce Harrison. This newsletter also features a link to the Adoptive Couples Handbook and a link to information about Independent Living Services for your teenagers.