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PREP Concept Review: Three Keys

One of the first concepts introduced in the retreat was the idea of three key principles in protecting your marriage: Decide, Don’t Slide; Make it Safe to Connect; and Do Your Part.

The Three Keys are the secrets to getting over barriers and making a long term, great marriage.

Make it safe to connect

Healthy relationships are based on safety. It is far easier to talk to someone when you feel safe and supported. Escalation in tone of voice, volume, negative interpretations, negative body language and withdrawal are all roadblocks to successful communication.

Decide, don’t slide

Making decisions instead of putting them off or ignoring them is healthy and pro-active. The Scarlett O’Hare approach to life — “I won’t think about that today, I’ll think about that tomorrow” — will only cause things to pile up on you later. Whether you decide to deal now or later with the issues facing you, they’re not going away. You will have much more resentment later if you don’t choose to participate in the first place. This key is about choices. You choose how to deal with issues and whether you want to actively participate in the relationship.

Do your part

The third key is essentially reflected in the first two keys. You are doing your part by making it safe to connect and deciding to deal with situations and challenges head-on instead of ignoring them. You also are doing your part when you concentrate on what you can change, control and do differently. Doing your part is all about you.

Keeping the Three Keys in mind, use the following article from the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center to touch base and reconnect with one another. The Marriage Check Up is a productive and safe way to revisit all of the tools and tips from the retreat.

Marriage Check-up —

Distributed by the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center

To remain in sync and maintain a healthy marriage, couples may benefit from a "Marriage Check-up." Just like check-ups for our physical health, couples need to also attend to their relationship health. Small steps toward prevention produce better results than waiting until problems can get so big that you need to seek professional help.

An easy beginning to your check-up is through the following conversation with your partner: Ask each other:

• "How could I be a better husband?"
• "How could I be a better wife?"

Then listen to what your spouse says without interrupting, disagreeing or defending. You are trying only to gather information about what they think or feel. You don't have to agree.

How well do you and your partner know each other? You obviously knew enough to decide to get married, but what have you learned about each other since? People and marriages change as the years go by.

How has your partner grown and changed during your time together? To continue expanding our understanding of our partners and ourselves, many of us prefer a structured conversation guide.

Try the following exercise together: First, write your individual responses to the following statements. Then exchange papers and talk about what you've written. While one of you is reading or speaking, the other should only listen or ask questions for clarification. Then switch roles.

Complete the following statements:

• In our marriage I feel appreciated when you...
• In our marriage, I feel loved when you...
• In our marriage, I am happiest when...
• In our marriage, I am saddest when...
• In our marriage, I am angriest when...
• In our marriage, I would like more...
• In our marriage, I would like less...
• In our marriage, I feel close to you when...
• What I like most about our marriage is...
• My greatest concern about our marriage is...
• Our marriage could be greatly improved if we both...

Keep a few thoughts in mind while you both review your "State of the Union."

Marriage is a team sport.

Whatever kind of marriage you have, it took both of you to create it. No one can hold all the responsibility for any of the marriage's faults or shortcomings or for its strengths and virtues. There is plenty of work to be done on each person's part when it comes to taking your marriage to the next level.

Tell people good things about your spouse (whether or not they are present to hear them). Praising one another feeds the relationship. Not only will your partner appreciate the attention, but this habit also stretches us to focus on the positive aspects of our relationship.

Great marriages are built over time. Attending to and protecting against threats to the marriage are the cornerstones to its health. Open, sincere and honest conversations can produce rewards that last a lifetime.

Dan Haycraft, MD, and Meg Haycraft, LCSW of Wilmette are founders of TWOgether, Inc., an educational and counseling firm for couples. Call (847) 581-9444 or visit www.twogether.org.