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PREP Concept Review

Do you live alone on a deserted island?

If not, then you have probably experienced the need from time to time to complain or raise a concern with someone around you such as a co-worker, friend, parent or spouse.

Have you ever voiced your complaint only to have it blow up like water in hot grease? Or maybe worse, have your concern be completely ignored?

Complaining usually doesn’t work well because most of us aren’t very good at complaining effectively. But we do tend to be good at saying inflammatory statements such as:

• “You did that on purpose to make me mad!”
• “You never take in to consideration my feelings.”
• “You always take me for granted.”
• “You are so selfish!”

Statements like these rarely, if ever, achieve the desired change in the situation or the other person that we seek.

At Thriving Marriage Retreats we teach couples how to use XYZ statements to raise a concern or issue without raising the other person’s defenses. XYZ statements are effective because they are specific, show respect and talk about how they feel without focusing blame on the other person. XYZ statements are composed of three parts:

• X is the “how I felt” part of the statement. It lets the other person know the AFFECT their behavior had on you.
• Y is WHAT the other person did. What specific behavior bothered or offended you.
• Z describes when or where this situation or behavior happened.

So next time your spouse does something that annoys you, instead of raising defenses and not being heard with a statement like “You always take me for granted.” why not try out an XYZ Statement such as “I feel you don’t appreciate my hard work cleaning the house when you lay your work clothes on the couch like tonight when you came in from work.”

XYZ Statements are also a very powerful way to praise our children. You might try something such as, “I feel valued and loved when I come in from a hard day at work like I had today and all chores are finished.”

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Thriving Marriages Now on Facebook

Thriving Marriages now has an opportunity to connect with the more than 1,800 program participants they have served on their new facebook page.

The Facebook page is designed to create another way for couples and Thriving Marriages partners to connect with Thriving Marriages and other resources within the community.

The Thriving Marriages page will be a place to find more information about upcoming retreats, host open discussions with users and link participants with organizations within their community.

To find Thriving Marriages on Facebook follow the link below.

Find us on Facebook!

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Book Review of Hill Harper’s The Conversation: How Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships

Society has made vast improvements in social networking and electronic communication. Today, most of us prefer the more impersonal alternative of sending an e-mail, text message, Facebook message or instant message rather than talking face-to-face in an intimate conversation.

Hill Harper’s newest book The Conversation looks at the lack of intimacy in our most personal relationships, the relationship between a man and woman. Taking a proactive approach at finding where the communication breakdown lies, Harper infuses humor, realism and his own fears about relationships into a thought-provoking inner monologue for the reader.

Harper tries to discover the communication breakdown between men and women with interesting suggestions to bridge the gap and create better understanding of how both men and women think. Harper is quick to state a disclaimer that he is by no means considered a relationship expert or therapist, but is just one man on his own journey.

The Conversation is obviously a departure from the average book on communication skills. However, it is something a little different that might inspire you. The book is written from a straight-talk perspective and doesn’t sugarcoat the opinions of men and women interviewed for the book. However, if you are interested in an alternative read and some interesting suggestion, such as Harper’s Conversation Party, check out The Conversation.

You can also watch an interview with Hill Harper about The Conversation on www.twoofus.org.

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Book Review of Daniel J. Siegel’s Parenting from the Inside Out

Parents often are surprised to find themselves saying their children they same things their parents said to them. Such a scenario might cause the adults to feel destined to repeat the mistakes of their parents.

In Parenting from the Inside Out, child psychiatrist Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., writes that early childhood experiences actually do shape the way that we parent. Drawing upon stunning new findings in neurobiology and attachment research, the author explains how interpersonal relationships directly affect the development of the brain. Siegel offers parents a step-by-step approach to forming a deeper understanding of their own life stories that will help them raise compassionate and resilient children.

The book focuses on different ideas of how parents can build nurturing relationships with their children through more in-depth understanding of their own. Although the book reads a little more scientific and academic than most desire, Parenting from the Inside Out is adaptable to everyday life and parenting challenges.

Information was adapted for this review from Tarcher / Putnam Publisher and the National Child Traumatic Stress Network Module 2 Additional Resources for Parents.

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Trauma-Informed Care

Violence, abuse, neglect, disaster, war and other emotionally destructive experiences create trauma. These experiences know no boundaries with regard to age, race, ethnicity, economics, gender, geography or sexual orientation. Trauma affects us all — directly or indirectly — and can be devastating.

The National Center for Trauma-Informed Care offers consultation and technical assistance, education and outreach, and resources to support this revolutionary shift in publicly-funded programs.

Trauma-Informed Care provides a new paradigm under which the basic premise for organizing services is transformed from “what is wrong with you?” to “what has happened to you?”

NCTIC offers numerous ways to gain resources and support. One of those ways is through their facebook.com page. It is a network of consumers, survivors and other experts and professionals sharing thoughts and practices to revolutionize human and mental health services through trauma-informed change.

To get more information about Trauma-Informed Care you can go to http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/nctic/, The National Child Traumatic Stress Network http://www.nctsn.org or join the Trauma Informed group on Facebook.