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Thriving Marriages

Strengthen Your Marriage with “XYZ” Statements

By Scott Roby
Do you live alone on a deserted island?… if not, then you have probably experienced the need from time to time to complain or raise a concern with someone around you; a co-worker, friend, parent, spouse etc. Have you ever voiced your complaint only to have it blow up like water in hot grease or maybe worse yet have your concern be completely ignored? Complaining usually doesn’t work well because most of us aren’t very good at complaining effectively. What we do tend to be good at are wonderful inflammatory statements like “You did that on purpose to make me mad!” “You never take in to consideration my feelings.” “You always take me for granted.” Or “You are so selfish!”

Statements like these rarely, if ever, achieve the desired change in the situation or the other person that we seek. At Thriving Marriage retreats we teach couples how to use “XYZ” Statements to raise a concern or issue with their spouse without raising their defenses. “XYZ” Statements are more effective because they are specific, show respect and talk about how thing affect me without focusing blame on the other person. “XYZ” Statements are composed of three parts “X” = is the how I felt part of the statement letting the other person know the AFFECT their behavior had on you. Second part of the statement, “Y’=WHAT the other person did. What specific behavior bothered or offended me. And finally, is the “Z” = WHEN or where this situation or behavior happened.

So next time your spouse does something that really annoys you, instead of raising defenses and not being heard with a statement like “You always take me for granted.” Why not try out an XYZ Statement like “I feel you don’t appreciate my hard work cleaning the house, when you lay your work clothes on the couch like tonight when you came in from work” P.S. XYZ Statements are also a very powerful way to praise our children. “I feel really valued and loved when I come in from a hard day at work like I had today and all chores are done” Works great for spouses too!

Recommended Reading

The Power of Commitment

Interested in knowing the secret ingredient for finding lasting love? We recommend The Power of Commitment by Scott Stanley, Ph.D. In this book, Dr. Scott Stanley, best-selling marriage expert, reveals that the secret ingredient for finding lasting love is understanding commitment. Keys questions posed by the author include: “What is commitment, and what is so difficult or scary about commitment? How can we better understand and appreciate the value and power of commitment? What does active commitment look like, and how is it different from the prevailing values of our culture? How can we actually make a commitment to another person and make it last for a lifetime?” The Power of Commitment can be found online at www.prepinc.com or other online/local community book retailers.

Staying Best Friends After Marriage
To stay best friends with your spouse after marriage presumes you are already best friends. Not all couples would define their relationship as such. And strictly speaking, your spouse doesn’t have to be your very best friend. That role is often legitimately filled by another close pal—a longtime friend or even a sibling. While your spouse doesn’t have to be your best friend, he or she should be at least one of your closest friends. Your marriage is your most intimate relationship. Ideally, your spouse will be your best ally, your closest confident and your biggest champion. Whether or not this is currently the case in your relationship, the tips below can help you develop a strong friendship with your spouse. Click Here to read the complete article.

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